Yesterday, I was wishing I had an old fashioned journal – the kind you have to physically write in, with your own handwriting. Actually, I’ve wanted one for a long time in spite of the several that I’ve started over the years and never finished. Having something to jot thoughts down in is really a great thing.
I wish I had thought to chronicle not only the brilliant bursts of thought and spiritual revelation (on all too rare occurrences, to be sure) but also just to record the ordinary and seemingly mundane details about life and thoughts I’ve had throughout the days.
I wish I had thought to take more notice of my town – my small town of Hawley that seems, on the surface to remain ever the same, yet upon close inspection, has undergone many changes over the course of my life. As it has slowly evolved.
I wish I had taken pictures of Brown’s Pharmacy (though a picture could never capture the interesting way the place smelled – like bandages, iodine, and perhaps, Vicks VapoRub), The Hawley Department Store (to be fair I probably didn’t even have a decent camera when that store was open for business, but I remember it….and miss it), and Smith’s Ice Cream Parlor before they closed and their spaces were reinvented.
Did Hawley change for the better? Or merely change?
Likewise, I wish I had taken note of my own evolution, spiritually as well as just plain mentally. Were I to look closely at my journey, perhaps I would be pleasantly surprised at the progress I have made but was unaware of along the way, and is now lost and obscured to me as the details have been obscured. Or maybe I would be saddened at the lack of growth and maturity I display…
Alas, no record has been kept by me but my Father in Heaven has not missed one detail. He has seen every stumble, every victory, every heartbreak and every joy. Not only has He seen these things, but according to His Word, He has been with me (even when I thought I was treading through the darkness and sunlight alone)
Hebrews 13:5 – “Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”
Matthew 28:20 – “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
He knows my heart, and he knows every step of this journey that I embarked upon nearly 23 years ago when I made the decision to become a Christain and walk in His ways. He knows – and forgives – and loves – whether I think He’s paying attention or not.
In 2011 (why do we always do this kind of thing at the end of the year?) I want to know Him better than I ever have. I want to cling to the promises and spit out the fears and doubts that have always plagued me – I guess those fears and doubts were planted inside me in infancy, when my biological father abandoned me and my adoptive father never seemed to accept and love me. (See my other Puzzle Pieces posts for an explanation if you are so inclined).
I renounce the fears, I renounce the doubts, and I praise Him – I thank Him for not letting me wander too far without calling me back.