If you’ve spent any time with me, you eventually figure out that my life tends to take on a comedic flair that sit-coms are made of. Such as the time I was at a wedding with my girlhood friend, and I was trying to “elegantly” get into the car, and landed on my butt instead. Or the time I was a cashier and was trying to impress a guy with my shopping cart skills…and I knocked over the banana display.
Or perhaps when I was at the wedding of another friend, and my ex-boyfriend (the same guy with the banana incident) was in the wedding party. I saw him out on the deck, enjoying the reception with his friends, and I wanted him to MISS me and SEE WHAT HE LOST. I was going to sashay on by him with my nose in the air and pretend he didn’t exist. Only problem is, he looked up just in time to see me smash into a glass door. Amazingly, I did not get ziti on my dress. But he laughed. And laughed…
Years later, I was at the library with my children (yes, the daddy is the banana and wedding reception guy) and I was running around frantic, calling out my son’s name. “Who are you looking for?” the librarian asked me, stupidly. “MY SON!” I said. (duh!) “Your son?” she said, and I said “YES!!!” and wondered what drug she had taken. She just stared at me and then I realized, oh….never mind…my son was right there, on my hip the entire time. Yes, this is my life.
A few years ago, someone gave me a juicer. I had gone on a kick, believing that the microwave was going to give us cancer, and we needed to “go organic.” My husband was aggravated about the juicer. I said “What is your problem!? It is FREE!” and he retorted
with “Well all the fruits and vegetables you’re going to buy to put through that thing aren’t going to be FREE!”
At first my friends started calling me the “Fruit Hussy” for wasting my husband’s hard earned money on FRUIT and VEGETABLES.
But, in his defense, he knows me. He KNOWS me and he STILL married me…so that’s kind of his problem. BUT he knows that I go on these “kicks” and then after I lose some steam, we’ve usually lost quite a bit of money on one of my “schemes.” (Does anyone remember me trying to sell Discovery Toys????) So he just thought I was going through a phase that was going to cost us a lot of money.
He was wrong; I got over the phase pretty quickly and thus, we didn’t lose much money. Shortly after I was given the juicer, my mom was stricken with a brain tumor. My dad and I decided to give her fresh carrot juice every day, along with a bunch of other herbal remedies that the herbalist gave us.
One item, I think it was barley green, tasted like liquid hay. It was gross. I hope the Lord will forgive me for forcing that green crap on my terminal mother. (Dad refused to allow her to have chemo, and it was probably the best thing for her. She passed away at home, the way she wanted, comfortable and peaceful.) Anyway, mom’s death kind of put the damper on the juicer for me. SO, after her funeral, I gave it away. And never missed it.
Until a few years ago, I never thought about juicing. A few of my friends got interested in it and I smiled indulgently, remembering my “phase.” Their poor hubbies.
Then it happened. The other activity that makes my husband groan is going to yard sales. There it was – a nice, practically new juicer. Only $10! It was bigger than my other one. I was bitten by the juicing bug again. I didn’t go out LOOKING for a juicer, but there it WAS, waiting for me. It came home with me. More eye rolling. I explained it was more efficient than my last one, that’s why I got rid of it. It didn’t make enough juice in one shot. This one would make enough for me to be satisfied. I bought about 30 pounds of carrots and apples. And then….I juiced some, fed the leftover produce to the rabbit, put the juicer away for another 2 years.
I got it out again two or three weeks ago. Friends of mine inspired me and reminded me how much I loved fresh carrot and apple juice, and I remembered that I wanted to take better care of myself in 2011. So, I rearranged the entire kitchen to fit the juicer on my counter.
I bought carrots, and apples. And I juiced. And I juiced. MMm, mmmm! Nothing is as delicious as fresh apple/carrot/celery juice!
Then my friend suggested I juice a beet along with the apples and carrots; beets are great for cleansing your body. OK! I bought beets!
Last Sunday morning, I cut up my apples. I trimmed the ends off the carrots. I washed the beet and cut off the green (to be fed to the rabbit.) I quartered the beet.
I turned on the juicer.
“What happened next is hard to tell, some thought it was heaven, others thought it was hell….” I think that squirrel on my counter is Ray Steven’s Mississippi Squirrel and it had a revival with my juicer.
I juiced quarter 1 of the beet. Good. Quarter 2. Excellent. Quarter 3.
For a split second, I thought I died. Then I wondered if I had lost an eye (or both) and my brain had just not registered. I guess I screamed. This was what I saw:
The carnage was unbelievable. It even shot pieces of shrapnel across to the other side of the kitchen.
I think the dog, who is deaf, but can hear certain sounds, came in to see if there was food on the floor; she wisely backed out of the kitchen. My son, roused from his sleep, came into the kitchen and wondered what happened. “The juicer exploded!” I said. “Oh,” he said, and went back to bed. He is used to the calamity around here.
Hubby came up from the basement, inquiring about the explosive sound he heard. Then he surveyed the damage. “Wow,” he said.
I know he was secretly hoping that perhaps this would close the chapter on juicing for
But he was wrong. The squirrel and I know. This is just the beginning.