“My wayward children,” says the Lord, “come back to me and I will heal your wayward hearts.” —-Jeremiah 3:22, NLT
I want my heart healed. It is no pleasure trip to wander around in a barren wilderness of my own making.
I know this sounds like a plea of desperation. In a way, I suppose it is, but not the way many may think. I’m not on the brink of despair, filled with pain from old wounds, trying to tread water in an abysmal sea of darkness. At least, I don’t think I am. I’m just…tired of being lost and aimless.
I’m wandering, because I am still wayward. After all these years.
When we read the Books of Moses and the rest of the OT regarding Israel’s waywardness, we tend to roll our eyes and scorn their unfaithfulness.
I mean really…the ancient Israelite’s had tangible, verbal, and OBVIOUS proof of God’s dwelling among them – pillar of fire anyone? Pillar of smoke? It’s not like they merely had just old tongue-tied Moses to lead them. They had powerful manifestations of God’s presence…and still…they turned their backs on Him.
I have had powerful experiences too – nothing as dramatic as a pillar of fire, but obvious and undeniable proof of His love for me in my life…and yet…I am still very prone to wander. For long periods of time. In near darkness.
“Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love…here’s my heart please take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above.” I get hung up on earthly brambles and briers – false teachings that slickly mimic truth, discouragement and disgust with the political leanings and emphasis of the church that have nothing to do, really, with the state of our standing with Father God….a feeling of lost faith and hopelessness…being tripped up by my own failures, sins, and shortcomings.
I don’t want a faith made up of cliches and trite platitudes…(another blogger pegged it “bumper-sticker theology” and I love that.) I want my faith to be real – not something you find on a calendar. I don’t want to question who God is or what He’s doing anymore – I just want to taste and see that the Lord is good, and be satisfied with that. I don’t want to wonder if I’m really saved, or just a goat in sheep’s clothing. (What’s wrong with goats anyway? I think they’re uber cool.)
I just wanna be in the green pastures, beside the still waters…with my soul restored. Shatter this broken vessel, O Lord, and create a new me. One that pleases You, one that puts You before everything else in my life, one that loves the people I dislike…one that trusts You, listens for You, yearns for You.